Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
