I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
