So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
