I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
false alarm. still invincible.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize