Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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