Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
