JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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