through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
