So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I checked into jail on foursquare
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
