her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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