He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
