why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
