yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
