I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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