dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
