did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
