I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
