that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
