I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
