She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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