I only kidnapped one of them. chill
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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