Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize