Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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