I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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