im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
