Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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