Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
