i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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