Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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