I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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