im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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