I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
bring money and cleavage
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize