Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
