we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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