Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
