I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
