that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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