I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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