Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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