dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
