Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
