He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
