Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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