I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
