where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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