you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
