This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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