Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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