I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
