why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
