It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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