Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You ruined the universe
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
