Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
