6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
