Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The beer is more important than you right now.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
where are my eyebrows?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize