i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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