she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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