I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
40s are totally the cure
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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