my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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