9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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