before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize