dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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