I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
