I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
