Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
