No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
