dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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