i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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