So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize